Up until about eight years ago, I had never heard of spiritual direction. Then one day, I was having tea with my friend and neighbor, Polly, and she handed me a pamphlet and said "I think this might be the perfect path for you". I took it home and read it, and was immediately intrigued. It told me that a spiritual director is someone who journeys with you as you explore your spirituality. This did sound like it was right up my alley. For years, I have relished any opportunity to sit with someone and ponder the soul stirring questions that tend to arise for many of us, and these questions often fit into three categories:
1) Where did I come from?
What was my religious upbringing like and what was my response to it? How did it affect my life choices?
2) What led me here?
There often comes a time in our lives when we tend to look back to try to make sense of our stories. Big questions are wrestled with: What do I want to teach my children? What do I value most? How can I incorporate my values into my everyday life? What do I believe?
3) Where am I called to go?
We look at our lives and we realize that our time here is precious and finite. We might wonder, is this what I want to do with my life? How can I deepen my appreciation of all that I have? What are my special gifts? How can I honor them and use them to give back to my family, my friends, my community, the world?
Reading that little pamphlet made something in me stand to attention. I had to know more. I called the spiritual director whose number was listed on the back and peppered her with questions about the training program that she led for spiritual directors. Everything she mentioned about the curriculum sounded fascinating to me, so I decided to, as usual, go with my gut. I applied for the next two-year program, which wouldn't start for another 18 months. I was thrilled to finally be accepted. In the interim, I purchased all the books listed in the syllabus and devoured them.
I learned that spiritual direction has been around for a very long time. It started about 1700 years ago in the deserts of North Africa and the near East, to which hungry Christian seekers had fled after their church had been co-opted by the Roman Empire and had lost much of what had made it live and breathe. They withdrew to the stark simplicity of the desert to be alone with their God and refresh their faith. Gradually, word spread of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, people whose outer lives were a sincere and direct expression of their rich inner lives. They were sought out for their wisdom and honored for their steadfast commitment to nurture others who yearned to grow closer to the Spirit of Life and to ponder its mysteries. And thus, spiritual direction was born.
In the past, spiritual direction has been just that, directions from your spiritual mentor on how to develop the faith you both shared. In recent years, as people become more open to wisdom from various faith traditions and more eclectic in their spiritual practices, interfaith spiritual direction has become a more common model. That is, in fact, what I have been trained in. So the directive aspect has diminished as the contemplative companioning has grown. One of the most important things I have come to understand during my training is to beware of having an agenda for my directees. This is their spiritual journey, not mine, and I must not presume to know what is best for them. I am there to provide them with a sacred, safe space in which to have conversations about the spiritual aspects of being human. I listen deeply, reflect back what I'm hearing and observing, and help them to unpack the experiences of their everyday lives that are rich with deeper meaning. A few years ago I came across a quote in UU World magazine that stuck with me: Marshall Hawkins, in an essay called "Reading Our Lives" said
"How often it seems that our actions outpace our consideration of them. They are like unopened packages that pile up, patiently waiting to be looked at".
When I sit with my spiritual director, I am given the precious gift of a quiet hour out of time to open those packages and discover what's hidden inside. This is the experience I try to provide for my directees. We get a chance to look into all that is our lives, and into our own hearts, to find meaning, insight, and connection.
I want to tell you a story that illustrates how spiritual direction has been a real, practical help for me. When I was looking for a local spiritual director’s training program, I heard about one that was run by the Sisters of Mercy. Now, as many of you know, I was raised Catholic, and it was not a happy experience. In fact, I, like many other Catholic children of my generation, suffered physical, verbal, and emotional abuse at the hands of the nuns who were our teachers. So, imagine my resistance when I realized that training with the Sisters of Mercy was my best shot at realizing my dream of becoming a good spiritual director. How could I sit with the same nuns who had terrorized me as a child? As I scoped out the Sisters of Mercy and talked to people about them, I began to understand that these were not those same nuns. These women are locally known for their fierce independence from the Mother Church, and for their hands-on dedication to those in need, no matter what their affiliation. They work with battered women, prisoners, and parolees, and often are in trouble with the Bishop. My spiritual director was an enormous help to me as I sorted through my painful memories, comforting that frightened child inside of me while moving towards compassion for those overworked undervalued women who had lost it while trying to teach 50 children at a time with no support system. Thanks to time spent with my director and a firm commitment to do the challenging inner work of healing, I was finally able to peel away the layers of my prejudice and see Sister Claire, my teacher, as a person in her own right, an amazing 70-year-old lifelong pacifist who has carved out her own authentic liberal spirituality within the concretized structure of a conservative patriarchal system. When I came across a lot of Christian God language in our textbooks and even in our brochure, I was uncomfortable and found myself translating in my head, substituting “The Divine” or “Spirit of Love” for the word God, which is still a loaded word for me. Incidentally, Sister Claire doesn't use that word because her sensitivity tells her that it might close hearts rather than open them. My spiritual director was able to help me see this wonderful woman for who she really is and finally put my ghosts to rest.
So how does spiritual direction work? Well, typically I meet with a directee once a month for one hour in a quiet private setting. Strict confidentiality is observed. This is a relationship that deepens with time and often spans many years, but I have had people come to me for brief periods as they wrestle with a particularly difficult life decision or challenging circumstance. Here are other reasons that someone may seek out a spiritual director:
1) They feel lost in the maze of spiritual choices that are available and would like help in finding what feels authentic for them.
2) They’ve been on a particular spiritual path for some time, but are going through what is called a dark night of the soul, in which previously enriching practices now feel dry and unfulfilling.
3) They’ve never been particularly drawn to spirituality, but suddenly feel like something is awakening inside of them, something that is searching for answers to life's big questions: Why am I here? What happens when I die? What's it all about, this mysterious adventure called life?
In the years that I have been studying spiritual direction, a question that's been uppermost in my mind has been " Is spiritual direction a helpful tool for UU's, who can range anywhere on the spectrum from atheists to humanists to theists?" And I've come to believe that it is actually a very good fit. Our fourth UU principles states
"We covenant to affirm and promote a free and responsible search for truth and meaning".
Or in the simple kidspeak that I've grown fond of
“We believe that each person must be free to search
for what is true and right in life.”
We have been gifted with a liberal faith tradition that does not tell us what to believe but rather, encourages us to figure it out for ourselves. Sometimes it helps to have an anamchara, a Gaelic word that means soul friend, someone who is deeply committed to support us in our search for what is true and right for us. I have been seeing my director for a few years now, and I have benefited greatly from her compassionate and wise companioning.
Author Janet Ruffing has written many wonderful books on spirituality and she says that spiritual direction can help us to "experience greater interior freedom, deeper joy, more grace-filled decisions, a more integrated life, and healthier relationships with self, others, and the world.”
Wow. Pretty extravagant claims. But you know, for me, it's all been true.
Tess Starecheski April 25th 2010